Has anybody ever really put something into a suggestion box? I never have, so here goes.
Gentle weather people:
Stop standing in the middle of the radar while you are talking about weather conditions. I know you do this so I will pay attention to what you’re saying instead of watching the satellite loop. However, I don’t really care what the weather conditions are in Melbourne. I don’t live there. If you want to blather on about weather conditions in Melbourne, okay…..but move over and just let me watch the freakin’ radar. On mute.
Dear Prescription Drug Company:
I found out that I can save $182.65 by getting a Walgreens prescription for 30 days with 2 refills instead of the 90 day supply you want me to buy from your partner in crime, my health insurance company. I am therefore outing you. You ought to be fully ashamed of yourself. As you may have surmised, the convenience of my postal person bringing me the 90 day supply is NOT worth $182.65. C-ya, Medco Mail Order Pharmacy.
It is sooo not time for me to sign up with you yet. Stop rushing me—I’ll get there soon enough. No, I don’t want a sporty insulated travel bag for free if I sign up now.
Dear Utility Company and Cable Company:
You charge me a $5 late charge for paying my bill online the day it is due which doesn’t post on your records until the next day? Let’s recap. You get my money right away, but charge me a late charge for the eight hour difference between the due date and the very next day? Even my effing mortgage company gives me a 15 day grace period. Who the #&%@ do you think you are?
Dear Brighthouse Network:
Everyone I know who has you refers to you as Dimhouse. Your marketing people need to be strung up because the friend slogan is asinine. You want to be there for me like a good friend should? I think a real friend would show up on time, deliver the services they promised, and not disappear whenever the wind blows. Besides, you stole "Hello, Friend" from the cartoon show Little Bill. That's messed up....
Dear Chase Bank:
Stop sending me “preapproved” credit card applications in the mail. In the last 2 weeks, I have received SEVEN such applications. I still don’t want to bank with you. Plus, each prepaid envelope you send me will be returned with expired Pizza Hut coupons, water purification system flyers, offers from Dimhouse Network, and anything else I feel like sending. Let's see if you like receiving junk mail as much as you like sending it.
Dear Grocery Stores:
Why are the milk prices so different from one store to the next? If Aldi sells a gallon for $2.89, why do you charge $3.79 for the exact same gallon? Milk is milk, peeps.
Dear Census Bureau:
I didn’t want to fill out your stupid 40 page form. Therefore, I don’t want someone from your bureau calling me on the phone at work asking me all the questions I did not bother to answer. I know it’s been less than 10 years since you forced me to fill out the last one. For the permanent record, there is no one in my family who needs help with bathing or feeding themselves. Please make a note of it.
Dear Fashion Designers:
Professional women don't wear sleeveless blouses to the office anymore. Everywhere I shop, I see the cutest blouses and dresses, but nary a sleeve in sight. Any chance you could scrounge up a little bit more material and make a version that includes sleeves? If you did, you would make so much more money from ladies who have, ahem, soft upper arms that have lost most of their elasticity.
Where is the money I have been waiting for? I have declared prosperity and abundance, and I am thankful for blessings already on the way. So please hurry up.
Anybody else have a li’l sumpin-sumpin for the suggestion box?? Feel free to throw it in J